It’s 11:54 pm and I have decided to start a blog. I google “best blog sites.” As the day ends, I find myself here. I wonder if anyone will see this. I wonder if that matters or am I writing just for the sake of writing and floating my words up and out.
I am widow 1.5 – a widow for one and a half years. Like a version of widowhood I have given myself a number. Updates will happen because time can’t help but pass. Widowwonderings was the name I chose because there is so much I wonder about. I used to be able to wonder out loud to my husband: I wonder what we should have for dinner, I wonder if it will snow tomorrow…. Now I wonder to myself or a willing listener. I wonder how I have managed and how I will manage. I wonder how my kids will carry this. I wonder where he is now. I wonder if I will be lonely forever. I wonder if tomorrow will be heavy or will joy meet me when my feet hit the floor. I wonder big things too – almost too huge to say out loud.
There is also so much I Wonder at – as in I see the wonder in it all: the birds out the window, the teenagers that look like him, the gentle reminders that can’t be reasoned away, the fact that I rise and shine (most days), the way we were together to the end. Wonders. Worries. Windows. Widows. Wandering. I could have gone a lot of ways with this title. I wonder how it will work out?