Why I am here….

   Family 167

It’s 11:54 pm and I have decided to start a blog. I google “best blog sites.” As the day ends, I find myself here. I wonder if anyone will see this. I wonder if that matters or am I writing just for the sake of writing and floating my words up and out.

I am widow 1.5 – a widow for one and a half years. Like a version of widowhood I have given myself a number. Updates will happen because time can’t help but pass. Widowwonderings was the name I chose because there is so much I wonder about. I used to be able to wonder out loud to my husband: I wonder what we should have for dinner, I wonder if it will snow tomorrow…. Now I wonder to myself or a willing listener. I wonder how I have managed and how I will manage. I wonder how my kids will carry this. I wonder where he is now. I wonder if I will be lonely forever. I wonder if tomorrow will be heavy or will joy meet me when my feet hit the floor. I wonder big things too – almost too huge to say out loud.

There is also so much I Wonder at – as in I see the wonder in it all: the birds out the window, the teenagers that look like him, the gentle reminders that can’t be reasoned away, the fact that I rise and shine (most days), the way we were together to the end. Wonders. Worries. Windows. Widows. Wandering. I could have gone a lot of ways with this title. I wonder how it will work out?


4 thoughts on “Why I am here….

  1. Thank you for sharing these words. The ability to go through those experiences and capture them in well-chosen beautiful words and be fearless enough to share them is very very rare. Please keep writing.

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  2. I totally understand the “wondering” factor. I have been a widow for 1 month and 1 day. Thank you for liking my blog “Wow…I’m A Widow”. I am finding so much encouragement and getting my feelings out is slowly starting to help. I am still in shock and numb. I know they say time heals all wounds. But this wasn’t just a wound to me. This was a devastating blow. Your blog is beautiful, your words are encouraging and I pray for your strength.

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  3. Yes to all your wonderings…. I have just passed the 1yr 10 month mark and I’m still wondering all those things like you. Like you I wondered why I started my blog and if anyone would see it! But more than anything I think I started it for me and a way to get some things out when no-one else was listening. At least there’s one less thing for you to wonder….. your blog has been seen 🙂

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