WIDOW WONDERINGS 

Looking back to when I started this blog years ago – late one warm summer night, alone with my questions and googling “how to write a blog” – I can see how much I have learned and unlearned. I was looking for a road map, I was craving connection with others on the widow’s or widower’s journey, I wanted to understand how it would be possible to live a full and rich life without my husband and the father of my children. Many of the books I had read talked about the first year. I was wondering about the years after as I had already completed year one when I started this blog. Tell me what it looks like to craft a beautiful family life with your children when you are their only living parent? Describe for me what loss feels like once you have finished the survival stage? Will I ever sleep well again? And what do I do with all this love?

Maybe you read those early blogs, maybe you didn’t – it doesn’t matter. I can’t even remember all of them. Occasionally I reread one and cry for that woman or cheer her on. But I don’t always recall all the details. There is a hazy distance as time has padded my memories and made them softer. For the past two years I haven’t written here at all. December 17, 2023 was the tenth year anniversary since Rachid’s death and I wanted to circle back and write about it. Ten years. But I was busy welcoming my new granddaughter into the world (yes, joy!) and then the holidays and well…maybe I didn’t really want to write. Touching down into this blog felt like a patch of weeds I wanted to avoid, a pile of paperwork I didn’t want to sort, you get the idea. I was avoiding looking at the pain. But here I am. I think the best approach is to write a letter to that Caroline. She was wondering about a lot of things and maybe you, or someone you know, is as well.

Dear past Caroline,

The first thing I want to tell you from ten years out is that you are ok, then and now and always. You should know that you won’t be able to think, write, or talk your way out of all the hard stuff that you feel now and that is coming your way. This is not a puzzle to be solved or a class to get an A in. Life IS grief and joy and love and loss. You will learn over and over again that more than one thing can be true, nothing is linear, and healing is an inside job (a phrase a dear friend uses).

Your children are going to experience some rough patches. These will test everything you believe about parenting. It will be very hard work for you to learn to walk beside them and not jump in all the time. You need to drop the momma hero thing. Its not possible and actually gets in the way of their own development. They feel pain, they lost a parent, they have their own challenges, but it is not your job to fix any of this for them. And you can’t anyway. They are fully capable, with your love and support, to find their own inner hero. This is what is best for you and most importantly, for them. Stay close, stay connected, model personal accountability, ask good questions, and listen to them. By the way, they are amazing humans and their beautiful and talented dad shines through them – wait and see.

Work is going to be a savior for you. Learning new things and showing up everyday to serve others will serve you. Work not only allows you to help provide for your family, but gives your brain the stretching and exercise it needs to interrupt the worry or grief. Get your pretty work clothes on and get to it. This will be medicine for you. You will surprise yourself with new skills. But be careful not take on that same role as hero. Do your job, do it well, but set boundaries. Grief and loss will fertilize your codependency. You will need someone to teach you how to stay in your lane at home and at work.

You can manage your home and finances and health and children’s school stuff, but not alone. Say yes when help is offered. Its quite a rush to figure out how to thaw the frozen pipes or put together the new desk or drop two kids off at two different colleges 2233 miles apart (I googled it) – in the same week. But learn to identify when it is too much. Celebrate your accomplishments but be real about what is sustainable. Be specific about what you need. Friends and family can’t read your mind but they want to pitch in.

You have no idea what your future looks like and that makes sense because how can you imagine your life ahead when you always pictured it with Rachid? Your life will be full. You will love again. It will show up how/when/and where you least expect it. Remember when you said it’s so sad that you will never be able to love with your whole heart again? You can and you will. Love is like that. You love each child with your whole heart, don’t you? It is amazing and confusing. You know that you only have this love because the other one died. This thought is true but eventually you will see that it doesn’t help you. Be patient with yourself. There are times your brain will scream don’t do this, he could die too! But you do it anyway because we are born to love. You have been blessed twice. Your love for him does not prevent you from loving another. There will be gifts from this marriage and you can’t even imagine how much joy they will bring. Hint: step daughter and granddaughters.

Life will keep on happening. More people you love will get sick. You will have injuries and pain. You and your loved ones will stumble. Just because you experienced tragedy does not mean you now have a get of out jail card. All you can do is focus on healing your nervous system so you can ride the waves of life. Sometimes there is no place to put down the gutting sorrow. There is shock and stress and well, you know. You and only you can address this. Find a daily practice that soothes your body, mind, and heart. It took me years to figure this out. I looked in the wrong places until it became clear that what I needed was to learn tools to comfort and soothe myself. Two years ago I committed to a daily morning practice of yoga and meditation that has been the key in the lock to seeing the abundance in my life again. Maybe get a jump on this, past Caroline,

There will be graduations, holidays, weddings, and babies. You already know you are the lucky one that gets to be here for them. In the beginning it will always feel like he is missing. It feels all wrong. You can’t rush this along. Trust me, there will be a day when you are walking your daughter down the aisle and all you feel is pride and gratitude. The only way he can see our joy and successes is if we live them. Don’t be afraid to celebrate big. Set aside time to feel the sadness if it is rising up, and then step forward to rejoice with an integrated heart. You will sob in the car on your way to watching his and your granddaughter be born, but when you walk into that hospital room, you will see that day as perfect in every way. This is possible.

Rachid’s death was terrible and heart breaking and full of grace – all at the same time. Nothing will change this. Time won’t heal this. What will heal is your pain, your grief, your nervous system. There is no fast track. Journal, chant, sing, write, paint, move, be in nature, sit in silence, whatever feels good and allows you to settle. Lean on these practices. Grief will rise up in you masked as anxiety. Once you recognize this you can ask yourself what do I need? You will continue to grow like the glorious old tree on my walk today. Broken branches make space for new growth. Scars grow into unique burls. The roots are strong and the limbs reach for the sky.

Love,

Caroline 2024