WIDOW WONDERINGS 

The moon and a blue bird (look carefully at the branch in photo) joined us on our sunrise walk on Sunday morning. I would love to explain to you how the moon and the sun work, and why one can be on your left and one can be rising on your right. But that’s a job for a different blogger (and since I have been up since 4:30 am – not clear to me at the moment). I know I am not alone in being happily surprised by the sight of the moon during the day.

This is another gentle reminder that what exists in the dark also exists in the light. And what is real in the light, is real in the dark.

Oh my, that lesson again. But it is THE lesson for me.

Spring is here and the sun will rise and the world keeps turning. The hands on the new clock on our shelf make their way around another day. Time passes. I spin in my own circles sometimes. Like the bluebird, I can feel out on a branch. And maybe this bluebird is also wondering if the moon sees me….  I can feel the pull of the moon and the warmth of the sun. It is the biggest struggle for me – to see and accept that a beautiful life can include the darkest of times. And the wish to be seen, truly seen and accepted for my sunny side and my dark truths, don’t we all want that?

My grief and how it changed me, is always there. I can turn my face toward the sun, but I know it is there, and not always in the shadows. It has phases all its own. It can wax and wan. The sunlight in my life – joy, gratitude, and love – can even illuminate the grief, highlighting all that is lost. It isn’t as simple as a brighter day makes the pain go away. Sometimes a brighter day, a beautiful sun filled day, has a layer of sorrow as this thought sweeps through my mind – this too will end. But, if you are grieving, know this – the dark days can make the light filled ones even brighter. I bask in the joy and shine with gratitude. You will too.

I am building new happy memories and some how that has triggered me to remember more…and I have to make space in my mind for all the memories. I wonder if part of incorporating grief into your life, healthy grief, can only occur when you start to live more fully? When you can see the sun and the moon in the same sky and understand that its not all dark or all light.

(How lucky am I? There are many people, those we loose and many here with constant struggles, who don’t get a chance to make new memories).

I am still discovering who I am now. The idea of life versus the reality of my life has altered my orbit. This can make me wobbly with fear. But I think it can also make me stronger. There is a deeper feeling of acceptance as I draw away from my identity as a widow. It feels a bit like tracing your finger over a healing scar.

As I continue to commit myself to moving forward, to believing that I can have a beautiful life, that I have a beautiful life, despite such a big loss, I have to accept that like the clock, like the calendar, like the 24 hour day, I contain the darkest of hours as well as the hope of each season and the burst of a fresh morning. A bright new chance shows up with every spin.

Whatever your life has tossed your way – I hope the pull of the sun is what you feel today.